Today started off pretty good. Slept in because it’s Saturday, so why not? Did some reading and just lounged. Then for some reason I felt sadness creeping in. I don’t know why. So I binge ate. I wanted to shove the feelings down and make them go away. And although I know the numbness was temporary, I did it anyway. I felt immediately disgusted with myself and the self-hate tried to take hold.

I entertained it for a bit but something forced me off my bed. Forced me to put on my walking shoes and take Lyla for a walk. (She’d already been for one earlier but she’d never turn down another!) And so we walked. Went for almost 45 minutes before she needed to get back home (didn’t want her to overheat even though it’s not that hot). And then I did something that I haven’t done in months.

I danced.

I haven’t danced in forever. It wasn’t a practice or anything formal. I just felt the need to move my body. As a dancer or someone who used to consider themselves a dancer, I know it wasn’t the best or most technically sound but that’s ok. That’s not what I was striving for. I just needed to move. I needed to feel joy. Dance has always been a part of me (like writing). And I am grateful for whatever possessed me to just do it. I miss dancing. I miss my dance troupe. I miss my studio mates. I haven’t felt like dancing much in the last… I don’t even know how long. My mental health has been…low. Unstable. Not suitable for human companionship. (I’ve been a dumpster fire on the inside.) I forgot how much dance used to help. How it made me forget my issues, even if just for a little while. It raised my mood, my whole…vibration.

I can only hope that I remember how I feel right how I’m this moment and remember that I can return to it. I can get myself out of the darkness. I have before. And I will again.

And to everyone who showed me such amazing support after my posts on my PMDD, thank you. I love you all. And I am rooting for you whatever you are going through too. Don’t hesitate to reach out.

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