It’s All in Your Head

Ugh. Ever hear this lovely phrase before? “It’s all in your head?” Isn’t it just soooo… fucking annoying and belittling when your are dealing with, well, anything? In my case, yeah it IS in my head. And it leaks into the rest of my body. If you read my last post, then you gained some insight into PMDD and how it affects me.

Let’s take today for example. I woke up in a good mood (despite not having slept so well). I felt like maybe today was going to be a good day. (And before your start on the ‘it’s what you make of it crap,’ just don’t. Take it somewhere else. This isn’t the place.)

It’s Saturday of a long weekend and I was looking forward to having a few days off and decided to start my day lazily. Just hung out in bed and dozed. Got up, made a coffee, painted my toenails. Debated about what to do for the day. Tidied up the house a bit. Basically just puttered around. Felt nice to not do too much. Decided to have a nap since I didn’t sleep well and because why not?

When I woke up, I felt off. Like I shouldn’t have napped but instead should’ve gotten more done with my day. Got up and fed my pup because she’s my number one and I will always take care of her no matter how shitty I feel about anything. Had some dinner myself. Thought maybe calling a friend would help. Perhaps we could do something. Well, guess not. (It’s rare that I want to hang out with anyone lately, so when I want to but can’t, I get kinda sad.) Ok, we’ll it’s a gorgeous evening, I’ll take miss Lyla for a walk. Maybe that will lift my spirits. Nope. Felt really rage-y while getting her ready to leave. Couldn’t even begin to tell you why. During the walk I felt ok. A little better anyways. Listened to some music which I never do while we walk because in my ‘hood, safety first.

Now that I am back home, I feel… blah. Again. These mood changes happen so fast and so often. And I am so over it. I hate feeling like this. I hate how everything bothers me. Triggers me. I want comfort and people to be around, and yet I don’t want to be around anyone. It makes no sense. All I want is a long hug and yet not to be touched at all.

And then because of all the emotions swirling around, I’ve been getting headaches a lot more often lately. Or I feel nauseated. Or have no appetite (that’s a new one for me. Usually I turn into a pig and just shove food in my face to stop from feeling). So yeah. It is all in my head. But it’s also everywhere else because this disorder is so much more than just a mental illness. It’s a full-body illness. And I wish it would just let up.