Musings From My Junk-Filled Mind

I’ve been learning about myself a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to sit in peace. Why does it feel like every time I find some semblance of peace or happiness, it explodes in my face? And why does it always seem that it’s my fault? Like somewhere deep down, I feel like I don’t deserve it and I self-sabatoge? Sometimes it happens deliberately, and others it’s unintentional. And I know I deserve all the things that I desire, this isn’t about that. It’s like my soul craves the chaos of uncertainty. I’m trying to force peace and happiness, and my soul says no.

What am I supposed to learn from that? What am I supposed to learn from all the feelings that go with the chaos? The sadness, the depression, the self-conscious batterty, the feelings of not being enough. The past year taught me to be more vulernable and I am grateful for that, but that vulernability showcases my insecurities and it makes my strong qualities seem like weaknessess.

I don’t want to be hard. I don’t want to close off myself or my heart. But it seems like that’s the only way to be free. Free from these thoughts and emotions that drag me down. I’ve gotten out of this place before. I do know that I will again. I did it last year and I will do it again. But the missing ingredient to this equation? The motivating factor. The driving force.

Where do I find that this time? Can I recycle my why and hope to hell that it works again?