Ok, so most people that know me know that I am pretty open about my struggles with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It’s plagued me since I was about 16 years old and took almost 11 years for a confirmed diagnosis. But what I haven’t talked about with a lot of people is the fact that I also live with something called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD).
What is PMDD?
According to John Hopkins Medicine, “Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It may affect women of childbearing age. It’s a severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment. Lifestyle changes and sometimes medicines can help manage symptoms.”
For more info, click the link I’ve provided for you.
How does this affect me? Well, let’s just say that while I can joke about getting PMS and being what I like to call a ‘raging bitch,’ it is something that actually affects me in a way that I hate. The depression, anxiety, and crippling mood swings make me feel like I am literally losing my mind. I feel like I have two parts to my brain. The rational sane side that is 99% in charge and knows that I am not my symptoms; and the side that makes me feel like I need a padded cell. I say that not to insult anyone, but because that is how I am feeling in those moments. I have never felt that I don’t want to live. Being suicidal has NEVER been an issue but I also feel like I should go away because I am not myself. I am mean, hateful, and spiteful. And I DO NOT like those feelings. I also start to retreat from people. I retreat from the things I love doing the most. I feel like I have nothing to offer, so in turn, I offer nothing.
I have hidden this part of me because I am ashamed of it. I am ashamed of all that it makes me feel. When I feel depression coming on, I feel too much. A lot of people say they feel nothing. I am the opposite. I feel everything in spades. Little things that normally don’t affect me, fester in my head and don’t go away. Things that normally would never even cross my mind. Things that I could laugh off and/or learn from. A simple comment or an off handed remark that I usually have a smart ass answer for, feel deep and cutting.
But I am tired of being ashamed and I am tired of no one knowing. This is me. 100% raw emotion and all.
To everyone that this is new information to, thanks for reading. I hope this doesn’t change your perspective of me. If it does, then it was was nice to know you. I saw was because I have no room in my life for judgemental people. If it doesn’t, please know that I am okay. I am on medication and I see a psychiatrist for this. I am NOT ashamed to say that. I never have been.
All I ask is that you have some patience with me at this time. It has felt rocky for a while now and I felt like I have been struggling to balance my life and myself. Also, please know that if I am distant or take awhile to respond to phone calls or text messages, it is NOT personal. While I love being around others, I also need time to be alone. I crave it. I need to it process everything and work through everything. But I am ok. I will always work on making myself feel better. My mental health is so important to me. Also, don’t feel like you can’t ask me questions about anything that I’ve said here. I want people to understand. I need you to.
I also want everyone to know that I am here for you. If you ever need to talk, or vent, or just need a shoulder to cry on. I am here. Any time, all the time.
So thanks again for reading this. I actually feel so much lighter for getting this out in the open.
My love to everyone!