Lost Inside Myself

My heart hurts. This world is getting to me. I can’t even say that I have “God” to fall back on as I don’t even think I believe there is one any more. And please spare me the “your soul is going to burn in eternal hell” speech. Because if I don’t need to believe in hell to have my soul burn. I get that from living on this earth and witnessing all the damnation going on right in front of me. Bleak outlook? Perhaps. I have much to be grateful for and much to be happy about but I can’t help but feel surrounded by pain and sadness everywhere I look. I fight to stay positive everyday but that fight is one that I get knocked down for. 

My soul feels like it’s slowly being smothered. I can try as hard as I want to make a difference but I don’t actually feel like I am making any. I wish I could feel differently about this. But as my eyes water over with tears, I feel myself breaking. I can’t change the things that I want to or make a difference to those that mean the most to me. 

I feel lost.

And no, I don’t believe that God can and will save me. If he truly exists he’d realize my suffering stems from the suffering of others and rid the world of that first. The inhumanity that I see everyday is what is killing my soul and if God exists, he’d work on that. What kind of God allows his “creations” to suffer like this? Sure there is good in the world, but all I see for every good deed is 100 other things that need fixing. Homelessness, hunger, abuse (both human and animal), disease, war. The list goes on. 

As for the “devil” taking over my mind, soul, and body? If he’s real, bring it. I can’t get them to cooperate, so it’d be a miracle if someone else could. My mind does it’s own thing, my soul is crushed and useless to “him” and my body, well that seems to cooperate as well as the other two. Pray for me if you wish, but don’t tell me that you are. It’ll make no difference to me. Instead, try and spread some good in this world. That is what I need to hear about. I could care less about anything else. Let me rephrase that. I care about you, but not about your broken nail, your hangover, or how you didn’t get the car you wanted. Spare me. And I’ll try to spare you. Or something.

Whatever.

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