My head is in the clouds this week. I can’t seem to land back on Earth. I have so much that I need to do and yet no drive to actually do anything. I’m definitely a dreamer. A day dreamer to be more exact. Scenarios fill my mind and desires fill my heart and soul. My heart is fierce as there is so mch that it wants and yet not all of that can be fulfilled. Disallusionment takes over and I am left feeling empty and small. It’s not that I doubt myself (well, realistically I have my moments but not all the time) nor do I doubt who I am or what I am all about. My doubts are more broad than that. Humanity is something that just breaks my heart. I know it exists in the world, but there just seems to be much more that is contrary to it’s existence. It makes me angry and helpless. If there is one feeling that I despise it’s feeling like I am helpless.
Maybe I am focusing too much on the fate of the world at large and not enough on my own world. Maybe it’s my version of an escape. Maybe I am trying to block out things in my life that are hurting me. Maybe I am trying to put all my energies on things in the world that are bigger than me. Bigger than what I’ve got as a “problem” so that I won’t seem like such a whiny, pouty little bitch with no real issues going on in her life.
What I project on the outside is definitely not how I feel deep down. Sure, there are many things that I have that I am thankful for and that I am happy about. But it’s just so easy to get pulled in by what I’d love to change. It’s so easy to be envious of what others have and to be jealous and bitter about what I don’t. Maybe this all goes back to my last post. Loving someone who has no clue, or if they do, not a care about how I feel. Although I don’t believe the not caring part. It’s more like maybe they don’t know or don’t know what to say about it. Especially if it’s not reciprocated. Maybe love does make the world go round and maybe I feel they way I do because this is the missing aspect in my life. Love unrequited. (Now there’s an overused term! But it fits.)
Problem is, I don’t know what to do about it. Say something or get over it I’m told. Yeah. Definitely much easier to say when it’s not happening to you.
And still, I am stuck in the clouds.