Been feeling pretty good lately. But today, I had sadness wash over me a few more times than I care to count. I remember being on my way home and wondering if home care was going to be on time to help Nonno eat. Then I caught myself. Nonno is no longer here. I feel like I haven’t really grieved enough. Cried enough. My mom had been really struggling and cries a lot. Me, I feel like I’ve used up all my tears. Well, I say that now. The flood gates usually find the oddest time to break open. Like on my way home from a dog walk. Or when I pass by his bedroom. Or when I get home from work and wonder if Nonno’s had a snack.
I am slapped back to reality as soon as the thoughts cross my mind. I’ve spent most, if not all of my life with Nonno around. Living next door and with him and being around all the time. I feel like a part of me is missing.
I got this picture from the Facebook page Such a Pretty Heart. It is exactly how I am feeling. The presence of a loved one is never gone. Their physical body may be, but their presence can never be erased from your heart or head. My heart still feels broken. I’m trying to fill the void but I know that will never happen.
The best I can do is paint on a smile and fake it until I can truly feel that it’s genuine again.
Apparently time can mend a broken heart, but mine has been shattered beyond repair in many aspects of my life. I may be able to glue it back together but I know that the cracks will always be there and that is a sad reality.
It’s so hard to stay positive when I feel like I could fall a part at any moment. I’ve been trying to stay strong and focus on all the positives in my life and that’s helped, but when I feel so down like I do now, I just don’t know what to do. Sounds like a cry for help, but it’s not. If there is one lesson that I have learned in life, it’s that you just have to feel your feelings. Let them wash over you no matter what they are and accept them. You are entitled to those feelings. I don’t want to hide them because then things just seem to explode in my face. That’s happened way too often.
So here’s to feelings and letting them wash over me and away from me. For now, I’ll try and smile at the good. Even if I don’t feel like it.