I’m stuck in a rut. Have been for about two weeks. Can’t seem to get out of it. My motivation is nil, even though I have the desire to be making the changes that I want to. I just can’t seem to figure out why. I feel kind of lost. Like I am going through the motions but not really doing what I should. I really despise this feeling when it comes along. It just seems to envelope me. Right now I am hovering above it, but I know that if I can’t figure out why it’s come on, it’ll swallow me whole and then it’ll be even harder than it is now to get rid of it.

So many people say that I should be talking about these feelings but I don’t really want to bring anyone else down. I also don’t want to hear what I should or shouldn’t be doing about it. Sometimes I think it’s okay to wallow in your feelings. I have but now I want out of them. I want my motivation back. I want the determination that I once had back. I want…more. More than where I am at. I am grateful for all I have, but I know there is more to me than what I’ve been allowing to come out. I’m just really uncomfortable right now and I can’t seem to change it. Pushing out of my comfort zone isn’t too hard. It’s this other type of uncomfortable that I can’t stand. It’s a way worse feeling. Helpless almost. Apathetic. Indifferent. I don’t like it but I can’t seem to make it leave. I’m not a “can’t” person. Except when it comes to this. Does any of this make any sense? It’s all coming out in a jumble. That’s what everything in my head is like right now. A jumble. I feel like a kid with ADD. Bouncing from one feeling and thought to another and back again. I have no focus. I need my focus back. Tunnel vision on the goal. I need to build the tunnel but right now I have all the parts but one so I can’t begin to do what I need to.

I wish I knew where I was going with this. I have no direction. No map or GPS to lead me where I need to, want to go.


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